Going Back to Work After Maternity Leave

A few weeks ago, I returned to work after my maternity leave ended. Although my co-workers have made my return much easier with their kindness, I know many do not fully understand what I’m going through because they are male, don’t have children or have blocked out the minute details of this time in their life.

This is everything I wish my co-workers and family would be aware of to understand my current state of mind and life:

• I’ve been dreading going back to work since the moment I met my new baby. It has nothing to do with my commitment to work; I have a strong physical and mental desire to be with my baby all day, every day, no matter what. A piece of my heart breaks every time I have to say goodbye.
• You don’t need to tell me that I look tired. I already know this is my current and future state of existence.
• While I appreciate you asking how I am doing, know that this feels like a loaded question. If I say something positive such as “I’m good,” I’m probably lying because I don’t want you to pity me.
• Please don’t ask me if my baby is “sleeping through the night.” Technically “sleeping through the night” for a baby is 6 to 8 hours, but when it starts at 7 p.m., it means we’re still up around 2 or 3 a.m. So even if the answer is “yes,” it does not mean that I’m sleeping all night long.
• By the time I get to work, I’ve already been awake for hours. I’ve probably been screamed at, spit up on, cleaned up poop, and/or cried a little when I had to leave my precious baby in the care of another person. Don’t mind me while I sit for a minute and stare with my eyes glazed over as I transition into the workday.
• Although I likely showered, I’m aware that I smell. Between carrying my work bag, lunch bag, pump bag, baby, baby carrier, cooler of milk, etc. to and from the car, I’ve worked up quite a sweat. To top it off, I can’t wear perfume because I want my baby to recognize me and my scent tonight.
• Yes, I am carrying a lot of bags. No, you don’t need to comment on it.
• Please don’t ask me if I got a haircut or did something different with my hair this morning. It looks different because I actually washed it and/or found a few extra minutes to do something special… like brush it.
• Breastfeeding makes me hungry and thirsty ALL THE TIME. You do not need to comment on how often you see me eating or drinking.
• Please don’t comment on my weight. Even if it’s a compliment. My body is still going through a lot of changes and the last thing I want is to feel like others are aware of them too.
• When I am behind closed doors pumping, please don’t think I am lounging around and relaxing. Pumping can be awkward, tiring and stressful. I’m worried about making enough milk to feed my child tomorrow or not spilling said milk. I worry about forgetting to do something important like put the milk in the fridge or remembering to close the door before I take my shirt off.
• It is always in the back of my mind that even though I have to pump multiple times a day, I need to do it quickly and discretely enough that it does not impact my work or your impression of my commitment to my work.
• Even though I am a devoted employee, my mind is constantly torn between work and planning out my next pumping session and/or wondering how my baby is doing that day. It’s a mental and emotional struggle all day, every day.
• Please do not use the lactation/pumping room for personal phone calls, a nap or anything else if you aren’t pumping. Seriously. My boobs are throbbing over here and you’re intruding on my intricately scheduled pump time. GET OUT!
• At times, you might ask me a very simple question like “What did you do this weekend?” Just know that I might not even know what day it is, so please go easy on me when I give a really dumb or weird answer.
• I might ask you the same question three times, but my ability to retain information right now is very limited due to the aforementioned mental struggles.
• If I spontaneously start crying, believe me when I say I don’t know why I’m crying. Give me a minute and I’ll pull myself together.
• It is quite likely that I will accidentally forget some crucial breast pump part at some point. I already feel guilty enough that I have to drive home to get it. Please just understand that this is absolutely necessary and no, it cannot wait.
• I’m surviving on 4 to 5 hours of interrupted sleep every day for the past three months. I’ve seen news articles that mention how this is considered a form of torture in some places. The fact that I’m still functioning while keeping a human alive is impressive IMO.

If you have made it this far, I appreciate your consideration and support. If you want me to feel like you care:

• A hug or a “you’re doing a great job” is always appreciated (when workplace appropriate).
• Please keep inviting me out to lunch or happy hour, even though I will likely not be able to attend.
• Listen to me vent without judgment.
• Ask to see a photo of my baby or say something like “aww that’s so cute!” when I tell you about her first laugh, smile, or eating her hand.
• Help me to smile or laugh. It really is the best medicine.

Having a newborn is wonderful, exhausting, scary and stressful all at the same time. Add in having to look presentable, be punctual, and leave my heart in the care of another and everything is magnified. Please be patient with me as I adjust to my new normal and know that I’m doing the best that I can on very, very, very little sleep.

Thank you for your support.