It’s official, I give up.

Everyone’s 2020 has been rocked in so many different ways. And mine has definitely not been as bad as others, so I certainly recognize and am grateful for our current situation.

We’ve changed plans, become homebodies, skipped vacations and events, worked 60 hours/week with kids who need attention and answers to 234093438 questions each day.

We’ve learned to FaceTime and Zoom for activities and conversations with family and friends. And of course, we’ve learned to wear a mask and how to get over the awkwardness of not hugging, shaking hands or seeing smiles.

It all makes sense. It’s all worth it to keep our family healthy.

We stayed mostly steadfast despite the comments that we’re acting “over the top” or that the coronavirus was going to end November 4. The “oh, I wish I could hug you but mommy said no” comments are always a nice invisible sucker-punch to the heart.

This Thanksgiving, I was thankful for health, love, a cozy house, Whole Foods grocery delivery, a pre-cooked Thanksgiving meal, and warm enough weather that we could spend the morning exercising. I ran while my kids biked.

I didn’t watch the parade. Why? Because I find it incredibly boring and a waste of time. For once, I didn’t HAVE to watch it.

We didn’t have a pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Why? Because I planned the food and I hate pumpkin pie. And you know what, it was GLORIOUS.

Instead of focusing on what I should do, I focused on what worked for our family.

So now that the holiday season in full swing, I decided I’m going to give up.

• I give up the idea that if I try hard enough, this year can feel somewhat normal.
• I give up trying to make sure my house stays in order. It’s impossible; we are home almost 24/7.
• I give up trying to figure out how without a commute, having to really get ready in the mornings, and weekend activities, I am busier now than ever before.
• I give up feeling confused (and quite honestly a little jealous) after seeing friends post photos where they’re out with others (not socially distanced), going to weddings, celebrating holidays and seemingly carrying on their life.
• I give up overlooking the sadness in my heart that we won’t be able to do some of the seasonal activities we love.
• I give up caring what other people think about the way my family is getting through the pandemic.
• I give up on trying to decorate the house for each season because let’s be honest, I’m not a decorator. Window clings and handmade paper goods for the win!
• I give up hoping that the coronavirus will all be behind us soon.
• I give up thinking that things can really ever get back to normal because there are children growing up, learning not to hug, shake hands, play together, etc.
• I give up feeling sorry for all of the work clothes in my closet that I love so much and haven’t worn.
• I give up wanting more than just surviving.
• I give up the burning desire in me to take care of others because right now, more than anything, I need to take care of myself and my immediate family.

Why? Because my heart just can’t take it anymore. The pain. The loss. The grief. The sadness. The hurt. The jealousy. The stress. The exhaustion.

Right now, this mom’s brain is hyper focused on:

• Is my family healthy?
• Are the kids learning and happy?
• Will this (decorative item, dinner, activity) make me or my family smile?
• Am I continuing to do a good job at work?
• Am I taking care of myself?

That’s it. I don’t have the mental capacity to focus on much else. And I officially give up on caring about the societal pressure that I should do more.

I hope you and yours found some joy in your Thanksgiving and that you have a safe and healthy remainder of 2020.