One thing I’m working on as a mom and adult is saying “no” more often. Just because I physically can make something happen, doesn’t mean I have time or it’s in my best interest. Yet, even if something is inconvenient, stressful or results in less sleep that night, I still find it hard to say “no.” Why is that?
I’ve never understood how parents can not volunteer when teachers ask for help. Or how to say “no” when a client asks you to do a new project. Or decline the invite to a friend’s happy hour that’s an hour away, after work, where there’s no parking and you’ll know one person.
Realistically, yes, I understand I can say “no,” but is it just me that always feels compelled to give a reason?
What if I don’t have a “good” reason?
Other people are busy too but find the time, why can’t I?
What if I want to say “no,” but then they think less of me or never invite me again?
What if my reason is that I want to workout, and they don’t think that’s good enough?
And sometimes it’s all in my head. Recently, I bought myself a ticket to a Julia Quinn book talk. I LOVE Julia Quinn’s books, but it felt like I was choosing something I wanted to do over my family.
Nobody gave me grief about it, in fact, my family was supportive. I had a great time, but still felt so guilty that I went. WHY? Why can’t I say “No” to others and “Yes” to what I want?
This tendency to say “yes” no matter what has gotten worse since becoming a mom. But, it’s more than improving your self care. I can’t say “no” to my crying baby, right?
Then, the advice is you say “no” to a toddler without actually saying it to help them learn the “why.” For example, instead of “No, you can’t have more ice cream,” you say something like, “You already had a treat after lunch, no more treats for today.”
Long story short, something my therapist (from BetterHelp) said to me the other week was: ” ‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
This thought rocked my world.
There was much more to our discussion but essentially, she explained that while it might be in our nature to justify why we are saying no, we don’t HAVE to give a reason.
Just because someone else asks you to do something, doesn’t mean it works for you, your schedule, your family or your best interests.
It’s OK to say “No.” to another person’s request. “No.” is a complete sentence.
Of course, shortly after, I had a situation where I said “no” to someone multiple times for the same request, but I kept hearing my therapist’s words. I didn’t justify my reasons beyond that I was too busy and it was SO HARD! But, I did it, and I’m proud of myself.
So if you’re a people pleaser who also puts others best interests ahead of your own, I thought you might need to hear this too. Setting boundaries is something I’ll be working on for a long time, but hopefully each time I say “no” without needing to justify why, it will get a little easier.
It’s OK to put yourself first. It’s OK to say “No” without a reason that’s valid to someone else. It’s OK to put up a boundary that is a good decision for you. It’s OK to say “No” just because you don’t want to do something.
“No.” is a complete sentence.
BetterHelp.com Referral Link
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Do you also have a hard time saying “no” to something, even if it isn’t in your best interest? How are you working on yourself? I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions too; comment below!
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