I had a minor breakdown today. A “working from home while managing three kids during coronavirus quarantine I cannot handle one more item to multi-task” type of breakdown.
So here’s what happened… I was holding my screaming 1-year-old who woke from her 8-minute nap while on a work call. On mute. I wanted to talk, but there was no break in the screaming.
She got so loud I could barely hear my co-workers. As she sucked in more air, I heard it: “Debbie, are you on mute? We can’t hear you.”
I couldn’t respond. Even if I had a quiet minute, I didn’t know what was just said.
I typed in the call chat that I was dealing with a screamer. They kindly laughed and said it was fine (many are also parents). I didn’t come off mute and they moved on. I missed my chance to contribute.
I was embarrassed. So embarrassed. Frustrated. Feeling like an underperformer at my job and then like I couldn’t handle my own baby.
After a few minutes, my husband came over to take the baby and I was finally able to talk on the call.
The next hour brought along another call. Me somehow holding a cranky, screaming baby again and having to talk on a call.
I figured “F it” and tried to talk. She screamed almost the whole 30 seconds but I tried to sound cheery, talk loudly, and quickly muted when I was done. My boss said, “I think I heard some of that” and everyone laughed.
They were kind about it. But again, I was so embarrassed. Once again, I felt like everyone was thinking I can’t handle my sh*t.
Working from home with kids feels like the movie Groundhog Day.
It’s been four months since my husband and I have been working from home full-time while watching 3 kids. Kids that need to be fed all throughout the day, one that needs naps, all that need to constantly ask us questions or need us.
The number of times I’ve been on an important call while in the middle of a sentence, I feel a tap on my shoulder or look over to see a kid or two staring at me. The trick is to not make eye contact because then they just start talking or whispering or mime-ing. Do I look like I have time to play charades with you kid?
I have about 20 hours worth of work that need to be done today. I have meetings throughout the whole day, every day. Pre-COVID, I’d usually multi-task during meetings to crank things out, but no luck when I’m making lunch or changing a diaper instead.
So, this time when everyone laughed, I literally just lost it. Broke. down. crying. Ugly crying. Down to my knees on the floor. Holding the baby who was still screaming. Thankfully, I was on mute.
My husband came and took the baby (he was also on a call). My older daughter came and gave me a hug. Reality hit: there was no time to waste on tears; there’s too much work to be done. So I wiped away my tears, blew my nose and joined back in to the work call.
This is quarantine #momlife. There is no time to cry. There’s barely even time to go to the bathroom. I’ve been taking breaks during dinner to just have 10 minutes to myself.
How are we supposed to keep up with hundreds of emails, full schedules of meetings, actual work that requires concentration, planning for/canceling summer camps, keeping kids active, cleaning, laundry, cooking, groceries?
I’ve gone days without even leaving the house. I live in yoga pants. I sometimes get to the end of the day and realized I haven’t brushed my hair. Video chat? No thank you.
I haven’t had more than 6 hours of sleep a night since winter. Or, even 6 consecutive hours of sleep yet this year (thank you 1-year-old).
The only weeks I’ve worked a normal amount of hours are when I took a vacation day, working 42 hours in 4 days. I get my best work done at night after the kids go to bed. It’s been this way FOR FOUR MONTHS.
If I exercise, it’s usually because my husband took the baby on a drive for Target pick-up or because I’m pushing her in the stroller while on a work call.
The #momguilt is heavy. The work guilt is building. How do we know when we can send the kids to camp without risking they’ll catch coronavirus? How much am I risking my health by living this way? How do I keep up juggling so many balls in the air 24/7? Why is it so hard to breathe every time I think about all of this?
And who ate all the chocolate in the house because I really need to feed my emotions right now? <face palm> Sigh. OK, back to work.
Am I alone? Please comment below and let me know if you’re a mom trying to work from home with little ones too. How are you doing? I hope a little better than me right now!
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